impoi’s thoughts

COMMITMENT FACTOR #2

Being Able to Accept Imperfection

Intellectually, we all know that there are no perfect people and, therefore,
no perfect relationships. But it often takes maturity and dating experience to
actually believe it.

Take a client of mine, who broke up with a wonderful woman simply because he
thought he could do better. A year later, he met someone else, who was also
great but far from perfect. After two years of dating, he decided to propose.
If he had met her a few years earlier, he would have broken up with her too.
But now, he realizes that this is as good as it gets, though it took him
several relationships to finally understand that.

Having unrealistic expectations makes it impossible for a man to develop a
close bond. If a guy who isn’t ready starts getting too close to a woman, he’ll
look for imperfections,either consciously or subconsciously, to create distance
between them and, ultimately, to give him a reason to break up with her.

being in love doesn’t mean less emotional pain.. love without hurt is not love afterall… these hurt is usually brought about by fights.. petty or big alike.. well.. here’s another helpful write-up that may help “us”..

Fair Fight Guidelines

Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong

Don’t try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
Don’t talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.
Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.
Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
Know your facts: If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals.
Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. “Is there anything else we need to discuss now?”
Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”
Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.
If you’re angry, express it calmly. “I’m angry about …” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion — rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.
Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings — don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”
No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time.
Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Jealousy is a form of negative self-talk which research shows can cause anxiety and depression.

Jealousy is a form of negative self-talk which research shows can cause anxiety and depression. We all know it can lead to painful heartbreak, scads of worry, out-of-control outbursts, and setbacks in a relationship. It can even destroy love. But is it possible that jealousy can ever be a good thing?

Making jealousy work for you

What to do when jealousy happens

When jealousy goes too far

Serious and chronic jealousy is a type of paranoid self-talk that destroys love.

in a previous blog, i dedicated my entry to all the people who is trying to mend a broken heart.. this time around.. i dedicate this post for those who are “in” a relationship.. shaky or not.. to prevent you from getting into the phase of breaking your heart.. here’s a write-up from victoria lucia..

According to a study, there’s a love habit that’s crucial to the health of your union: focusing on each other’s good qualities. Of course, that’s easier said than done. It’s normal to see more of your guy’s flaws over time — the key is not letting them infringe on your affection. “If you can organize your thoughts around his strengths, you’ll concentrate on him as a whole instead of on his imperfections,” says study author John Holmes, PhD, professor of social psychology at the University of Waterloo. He found that couples who do this stay together longer.

We’re not suggesting you try to love his annoying behavior. But you can learn to flip your thinking so you look to the positive. Here, three ways to master the girlfriend mind trick.

Prove Yourself Wrong
When you’re bugged by something small your guy has done, it may not be that action that’s getting under your skin — something may be eating away at you on a deeper level. By figuring out what that is, you can shift your thinking so you’re less agitated.

First, question why you’re upset. For example, say he takes hours to reply to your texts, and you assume he doesn’t care about you. “Find evidence that proves you wrong,” suggests Los Angeles therapist Shannon Fox, PhD. Maybe he asked about an important meeting you had or wrote you the sweetest card. “Pointing out the contrary helps keep the annoyance in proportion,” notes Fox.

Temper the Trash Talk
“Women bond by comparing their relationships — and all the accompanying problems — among one another,” says Fox. While chiming in with the “Oh, and then my guy did this…” chorus can be cathartic, constantly smashing him only puts you in a negative mind-set for the next time you see him. But never bitching is unrealistic, so if you’re going to complain, counter it with something great about him to keep it fair, says Fox. For example: “I hate when Mike gives one-word answers, but he does plan great dates, so it’s a fair trade.” This lets you connect with your pals but puts him in a balanced, realistic light in your mind.

ID the Upside
Whatever your dude does that makes you crazy, find the silver lining. He’s sloppy? Think about how this can benefit you. “Look at his messiness as synonymous with being laid-back and not controlling,” says Alon Gratch, PhD, author of If Men Could Talk. So he’ll probably let you make decisions like how to decorate the apartment. Niiice.

Another example: He’s not a talker. “Silent types tend to be calm and logical, which is good for you because he can help you sort out your problems in a reasonable way,” notes Gratch.

Just remember: In the end, you really do have a good catch.

this pass few days.. ive seen people parting ways with the people they’ve been with for quiet some time.. its heart breaking to watch them break into tears.. here’s worth a read from Caroline Presno, a date doctor who works for Yahoo Personals.. hope this would be helpful for those who try to mend their broken heart.

in late December, we are not only in the midst of the holiday season; we are in the middle of the “breakup season.” According to research, more breakups occur at this time than at any other time of year.

Don’t Get Down on Yourself

After a breakup, people tend to plummet into a pit of low self-esteem and guilt.

Forget About Being Friends

It’s hard to move on when you are still keeping one foot in the past.

It’s hard to move on when you are still keeping one foot in the past. It’s time to rely on your other friends for support and get out there and make new friends. You won’t be as quick to accept an invite to a party or call an old high school friend if you are busy with your ex.

Stop Thinking They’re “All That”

Start Dating Again

Emailing a person you met online or going on a dinner date may be just the thing you need to lift your spirits.

Emailing a person you met online or going on a dinner date may be just the thing you need to lift your spirits. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should dive into anything right away either. Start by getting your feet wet.

Never Lose Hope